All the news that's fit to stink
by Conexus
Summary: Igor, from the city watch begins selling his modified food leading to a fight, leading to the story being blown out of all proportion by the Ankh Morpork Times, leading to a bizarre alliance against IMF...


**All the news that's fit to stink**

Ankh-Morpork was bustling with the activity of the multitude of races(1.) that called the twin city home, Khazak, or indeed, Ook.

C.M.O.T Dibbler regarded as the greatest merchant in the city (2.)was on the top deck of a red double-decker wagon, as the doors opened to flood of tourists from countries such as Klatch, Lancre and Pseudopolis. Most of them though, came from the eastern Agatean Empire, who constantly clicked on their picture boxes forcing the demon inside to paint what he saw with pinpoint accuracy, which invariably left them feeling incredibly bored of thumbs.

As the wagon began to move, out of the speakers came the voice of Dibbler

'To your left, you can just see The Shades on the horizon, if you jump. The Shades is where the city began, a most memorable place; a visit to The Shades will be a once in a lifetime experience.'

The tourists turned to their left, some of them jumping to get a better view.

Dibbler heard grumbling behind him.

'Could someone lift up the dwarf gentleman please?'

In Pseudopolis Yard, Corporal Igor of the watch was busy stitching four extra legs on a chicken, having just done the same to a rooster, in the hope of breeding chickens capable of providing sufficient drumsticks.(3.)

There was a knock at the door, and in entered Corporal Reg Shoe, who was a zombie and was currently missing a left arm.

'Hi Igor, have you have you got a spare, you know, arm?'

Igor nodded and entered the freezer were all donated limbs and organs were kept.

'Wouldn't ask for a new one,' the zombie continued ' but it got ripped of by this big black mongrel and by the time me and Washpot got it back the mutt had eaten half of it; I'll admit my face is rotting maybe a bit too much, but I do have some standards.'

Igor emerged with a possible replacement. 'Here ith one; ith(4.) it expectable?'

'Yeah,' said Reg. He noticed the chicken and rooster out of the corner of his eye. 'How's the food modification business going then?'

'It'th good; Gimlet bought thome of my ketchup rats, and my profit ith going back to the watch.'

'The Dwarf restaurant owner?' the zombie asked, despite knowing the answer.

Though Reg nodded in approval, this was when the trouble began...

At Gimlet's food hole, the aforementioned owner had just served up fresh rat to one of his dwarf customers.

'Oi! Gimlet!' shouted the customer

'What is it?' Gimlet asked when he returned. 'I hope you are not implying that your meal contains pork or beef, this is a high class establishment; when you ask for rat sir, you get rat!'

'It ain't that mister,' the other dwarf replied 'where's my ketchup?'(5.)

'It's a new type of rat...' Gimlet began, before he was interrupted.

'I don't care if you've imported some Cori Celesti long hairs all the way from the hub; no one rips Harmen Harmensonson off of his hard earned dollars!'

The dwarf proprietor was punched in the face. Another customer took offence at violence taking place in such a high class establishment, so hit Harmen as well, to show that it was wrong. This being Ankh-Morpork the fight naturally spread to all the rest of the patrons.

Gimlet never did get the get to explain that all Harmen had to do was cut into the rat for ketchup to flow from its veins, he did however get a major incentive to redecorate.

_(1.)A selection of different races including humans, dwarfs, trolls, gnomes, gargoyles, zombies, werewolves, vampires, golems, a few gnolls and one orang-utan._

_(2.)Granted, he's regarded so only by himself, all of his most ambitious schemes invariably fail, but the there is the compelling argument in favour of the view; he is actually, somehow capable of selling his sausages inna bun._

_(3.)This is an example of Discworld genetics; Damnbrokes was offering extremely good odds that the potential child of six foot tall, dwarf adopted Captain Carrot Ironfounderson would not grow up much and would have a beard. Because his current girlfriend, sergeant Angua, is a werewolf though, no odds were placed on whether the child would be hairy at least some of the month._

_(4.)When he first entered Ankh-Morpork, being far too modern for the vampire counts and mad scientists that would have employed him back in Uberwald, he actually pronounced his esses as S, deeply against Igor tradition. He soon let it drop though; it wasn't much of a rebellion if no one noticed._

_(5.)A rat without ketchup being as abhorrent to a dwarf as a rat with ketchup to anybody else._


End file.
